replaced by every day

I don't really remember at what point this afternoon I decided I needed to make a trip to Target. I suppose it was sometime during my last class for the day, when I opened my binder and realized I only had one sheet of notebook paper left. But when I got back to my apartment around 3 p.m., I couldn't really justify driving all the way up to Lenox Mall just to buy notebook paper when I could just go to the Walgreens on North Avenue or the CVS just down 14th Street -- so I puttered around my apartment for a while looking for other things that I needed. After two hours, I had added face wash, earphones, batteries, and a water bottle to the list. Five items: that was enough for me.

When I left my dorm at 5:30, I put up an away message that said, simply, "errands" -- but it's 7:30 now, and I just got back about 10 minutes ago, and now that I think about it, I probably could have done my shopping in an hour or less.

But on my way to Target I was feeling rather unhurried, so I thought I'd take Peachtree Street all the way up to Lenox rather than taking the highway during rush hour. In an attempt to bypass some of the Peachtree traffic, I went up Northside Drive, way past Collier Rd., thinking that there would surely be another road connecting Northside with Peachtree. But there wasn't, at least as far as I could tell, and so I ended up driving through about a half mile of residential neighborhood -- parts of Northside Drive I'd never seen before: a tennis club, Northside United Methodist Church, some kids walking back from school, and some really beautiful houses. After a while I got rather lost, so I ended up backtracking down Northside again and getting on (ironically) the highway.

So the driving to Target took about 20 minutes longer than I had expected. And I had taken my CD player and CD case out of the car about a week ago, so I had to listen to some old mix tapes that are usually tucked away in one of my dashboard compartments. But my "detour" was nice, in a way -- it felt a little reminiscent of high school, when I'd give friends rides home partly because I was in no hurry to get back and start doing homework.

At Target, despite my wandering through the isles to see if there was anything else I might need, I managed to make it to the checkout lanes with just the five items on my list. Then it was a short trip down to the lower level of the parking deck to the Lenox Publix, where I recycled the stash of plastic grocery bags that had been accumulating under our sink for several months.

I hadn't planned to go grocery shopping, but I'd never been to this Publix before, so I was drawn in. This one was a lot different from the Publix near Tech and even the Publixes back in Alpharetta: it was totally catering (I noted, somewhat amusedly) to the single, young professional demographic who live in the Lenox area. The wine and cheese were right near the entrance, and the deli, directly off to the side, was bright and industrial-looking, and there were several people waiting in line. Many of the pies and cakes were sold in half-rounds or by pieces. I felt a little out of place, dressed in typical college student clothing and Old Navy flip-flops, but at the same time, I took in the atmosphere. I think I can see myself not being out of place in the near future.

I left with a lot of broccoli, a bag of spinach, and some chicken -- I keep meaning to start using recipes to cook, but I can never remember to bring them with me -- and now, here I am back at my apartment. It's been a while since I've spent that much time driving around Atlanta with so little real "errands" to do, but I don't really consider it to be a waste of time. Actually, it makes me realize just how busy I was last semester, when every day was either work or class or recovering from both -- and so my free time this semester is almost exhilarating, in a way. It makes me think I might actually be capable of being on top of things, like, right now I am thinking, in the four hours between now and midnight I will get the following accomplished: 1: I will write in this weblog. 2: I will catch up on my email. 3: I will go through my mess of notes from the past three weeks and recopy the stuff that doesn't make sense. 4: I will actually do the reading for my Modern China class. And, hey, maybe I'll even wake up early tomorrow morning and go workout at the CRC.

In the back of my head I'm laughing at myself, because I know that's not going to happen. But for now, number one is done! ...now onto the rest.

Posted by Jennifer at 04:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This morning I woke up at 7:45 and drove 40 minutes down a misty, foggy I-20 to Rockdale County to judge science fair projects for their county high school/middle school science fair. One of my professors, Dr. Smith, works with Rockdale County (I'm assuming) and had brought up the opportunity in class on Wednesday. When he sent out a reminder email later in the week, I had to think about it for a while before I replied back that yes, I'd be interested in volunteering.

I thought about not doing it, mostly because I spent almost all of last Saturday volunteering with this, and the selfish part of me wanted to sleep in. But the time commitment was small -- I'd be finished by noon -- and somewhere down inside me, I figured I ought to represent. I thought that, as a judge, I'd be walking around asking kids about their projects, and I figured that many would end up talking to me and find out that I was a girl majoring in engineering at Georgia Tech. Maybe there would be high school girls there that I could make a positive impact on, I thought.

But it was kind of disappointing. I got to Rockdale County High School at 9, and got a short crash course from Dr. Smith in judging. The fair organizers gave me a stack of rubrics printed on blue paper, and after wandering around for a while looking at a few of the projects and talking to the other judges around me, I realized that my job was simply to grade the 14 projects (all in the "engineering" and "physics" categories) that were assigned to me, based solely on their display boards and reports. So for the next three hours, I moved from one to another, trying my best to be a conscientious judge and scribbling comments on the rubric. It was interesting to see what kids these days are doing for science fair, but by the time I reached the last project (something about airfoils), I was ready to be done.

Dr. Smith had told us on Wednesday that he'd be happy to take his volunteers to lunch, so I wasn't surprised when he found me around noon and asked me if I wanted lunch. But for some reason, I didn't take him up on the offer. Instead, I made up an excuse about needing to get back to campus. He nodded and left; I returned to judging projects.

About half an hour later he returned. "We're about to head to lunch -- are you sure you don't want to come?" I smiled and shook my head, and he said, "Well, thank you so much for volunteering, it's really very sweet of you. You're welcome to stay around for public viewing and the awards ceremony, and talk to the kids, if you like."

But I didn't stay, of course. When I was done judging, I made sure I had signed my name on all the blue rubric forms, turned them in to the organizers, walked back to my car, and drove home.

On the way back, all I could think about was how I really should have taken Dr. Smith up on his lunch offer. After all, it would have given me a chance to get to know my professor outside the classroom, and, perhaps more importantly, it would have given Dr. Smith a chance to get to know me. And even though I had said I needed to get back to campus, I wasn't really in any hurry. (There was a basketball game later that afternoon, but I hadn't planned on going to that.)

I think, maybe, that I just didn't feel like spending half an hour eating lunch with a professor. I didn't really feel like dealing with possible awkwardness, and I didn't really want to have to make conversation -- especially since Dr. Smith is my professor for senior design, which is supposed to be the culmination of your undergraduate engineering education, the class that's supposed to prepare you for the real world and give you hands-on experience. I think part of me was afraid that we would have nothing to talk about, afraid that we would probably end up talking about how I didn't really want to do electrical engineering and was thinking about journalism, of all things. Perhaps I was afraid of seeming like a fraud, like, "what are you doing in senior design if you don't want to be a EE?"

Okay, I know that my train of thought was slightly irrational -- there are plenty of EEs that go on to med school or business or law. But it made me think about how, during my time here, I really haven't made an effort to get to know my professors. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to a professor's office. Professor-student relationships are supposedly one of the keys to a good college experience, but I hardly ever need to see them for class-related reasons -- I've always been a pretty independent student, and when I don't understand the material, I usually just study it to the best of my ability. So what do you go to see a professor for, if not for a question about class? Maybe to talk about research -- but I have never had time or interest in that.

But now everyone is applying for grad schools and getting professors to write letters of recommendation for them. And though grad school is not part of my plans, at least for now, it reminds me that I really don't have any professors that I could ask for recommendations. When I applied for the journalism internships over the summer, I got one of my professors -- Dr. Davis, who I had for an introductory ECE class -- to write me a recommendation. I know Dr. Davis really well, but it's not because of class; it's because of my work with Lego League, which he organizes, and with the ECE Student Faculty Committee, which he's the faculty chair for. Dr. Davis knows very little about what I am like as a student. That didn't matter for the internships, but what if I do decide to apply to grad school in the future (whether it's for engineering or something else)? I really won't have anyone to write recommendations for me.

And it's just a little depressing, because that in turn makes me think about what I've done here at Tech during my four years as an undergrad. I feel like I've made a lot of decisions that were not-quite-right: putting too much effort into some things and not enough effort into other things -- like truly trying to figure out what I want to do, like building relationships that are substantial and unsuperficial. Over the break I was hanging out with some friends from high school, and most of them live with best girl friends, and have these crazy stories about parties and fun times with their roommates. And I don't really think I have anything equivalent: my two years as a PL sort of cut away from any closeness that would have been formed from living together with friends.

I don't really know where I'm going with all this. I just feel like in 20 years, I'll think back on my college experience, and it will be mostly unmemorable. And that's not what it's supposed to be like, is it? College is supposed to be one of the defining periods of your life. It's supposed to be filled with late-night escapades and deep talks with friends and finding your passion for something, and building that passion through academics and research and extracurriculars. But I just feel like -- as cliched as this sounds -- my time at Tech has been a puzzle whose pieces don't quite fit together. I am starting to worry about the big picture.

Posted by Jennifer at 10:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

My new year's was spent downtown at Andy's house, surrounded by several good friends and a lot more drunk people I didn't know. At midnight I counted down and took my second shot of the night (the first being at 11 p.m.). Then, in the cheering that followed, I climbed over the couch, pushed my way through the crowd gathered in front of the TV, and hugged my friends who hadn't brought or didn't have someone to kiss. Later, when I became sober enough to drive, a few of us went to the Waffle House on Northside Drive, which was overflowingly busy. It was a good night.

I know I haven't posted here in a while. One of my resolutions is to read and write (in this weblog) more often. I only posted once all December, which is kinda sad, huh? We'll see how it goes -- no promises, though. Happy New Year, everyone.

Posted by Jennifer at 10:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)