What would you think if I told you I was changing my major?
Well, I'm thinking about it. Well, sort of. For the past two months, it's seemed like all I ever think about is whether I should stay with electrical engineering. And recently, it seems like it's all I ever talk about, too: anytime I have a relatively serious conversation with anyone, it always comes back to this.
At first I thought I would just stick with it, get my bachelor's in EE, and then maybe look into Tech's bioengineering grad program, or something. Because I've always liked biology, and, I have to admit, the fact that I would be studying something that had the prefix "bio" in it was comforting. But now I'm thinking that, maybe, I'm not looking to be an engineer--and so I've been pondering staying EE, yes, but going pre-med. I would probably quit my co-op job, because it really wouldn't be relevant anymore, and because if I didn't, I'd be here forever. And then I'd take the science classes I need: a year of bio, a year of organic chem, biochemistry, genetics. Do research in the summers, maybe, or an internship like Emory's House Assistant Program.
A lot of it has to do with my job, I guess, and I know it might be premature to say anything yet. But on the other hand, I've been telling myself this all semester, and I know one thing for sure, and that's that I don't want a job where I'm going to be sitting around a lot. I want a job where I get to see people, interact with them, move around. Do things. And it's not even that I don't like my job at GTRI, because I don't mind it. There are slow days, but then there are days where I feel busy and productive, like today, when I did some good work, and came up with some good ideas as to how to code stuff. But at the end of the day I look at what I've done and I don't really know what my work is going toward, in the end. Okay, so maybe I'm helping build some software that the military will use one day to transmit information; and on a more personal level, maybe I'm helping my supervisor meet his deadline.
But I've realized that I need more tangible evidence of my work. I went home the other weekend, and talked about this to my parents. It was one of those conversation that goes around in circles; at the end of it I didn't feel like I had come up with any new conclusions. But I do remember my dad asking me something like, "Would you get satisfaction from building an electronic system?" and I replied, "I would, if I had put work into putting it all together. Maybe the work that it would take to design the system wouldn't be too thrilling, but when it was all put together and running, then yes, I would get satisfaction from that."
It's kind of a shallow thing, and I don't know how to put this in less cliched terms, but I want to be making a difference, and I want to be able to see it in ways that are obvious and real.
But I'm still just thinking about it. The only people I've talked to about this are my parents and some friends. It's funny, most of the friends I've told my thoughts to as of late haven't been my close friends. Usually people will ask me how work is going, and after my initial less-than-enthusiastic response, I'll somehow segue into telling them about how I want to sorta-kinda-change my major.
If I tell people that I'm going to do something, does that make me more likely to do it?
I still haven't said anything to Alan. He'll read what I write here and I don't know what he'll say, whether he'll agree with me or not. Earlier in the semester I was stressing about all these things, my major and my job and my future, and he said, "I think you just have to pick something and stick with it," and I bit my lip and wondered if he was right. Maybe my thoughts about this are just as unfounded as my decision to be EE in the first place. I wonder about that a lot--about how much I really know myself. I'm fairly involved here on campus, with the Technique, orchestra, and housing, but when I try and pin down my interests, looking at my extracurricular activities doesn't help me at all. It's not that hard of a question, right? What do I like to do?
I don't know. We'll see. I still have to talk to advisors, see what I have to do in terms of paperwork and classes. But I think I have reached the point of no return. I can't stay EE and feel like everything will be all right in the end. Something has to change.
My friends have mostly been supportive, or at least acceptive of it. Andy asked me, a little skeptically, what kind of medicine I'd want to go into, and I shrugged and said that I didn't know. But I'm glad he brought that up, because now I've got that to consider. Pam assured me the other day, "There are plenty of people who aren't bio majors who do pre-med." And Kim said to me today, "I think you should change your major, Jen," and I told her that actually, I kind of was, and explained my pre-med idea. She nodded, though I don't think that was what she had that in mind.
I guess I'm grasping at anything I can, now. I reassure myself with things like how I always read "Vital Signs" when I get my new issue of Discover. How, despite the fact that I had a horrible 9th grade bio teacher, I still like the subject. How I told my sister the other day, as we were driving somewhere, that "if I had a chance to do it over again, and I didn't have to worry about a career, that I'd probably major in bio," and she responded, "I've always thought you'd make a good doctor, Jenny."
It's hardly solid evidence of anything, but then, when I look back on what made me choose EE as a major, I honestly don't know why I did that, either. Out of convenience, maybe. I always told people, "EE is broad enough to where I'm sure I can find something that I like to do." But I've never had a particular passion for computers or electronics, even though I thought DSP was a fun class, even though I like programming and wish I ran Linux. I think the hardware that drives a computer is cool, but I'm not fascinated by it the way Ethan is and I'm not motivated enough by it to want to take a computer apart.
I can't remember why I've never considered medicine. I guess I wanted--still want--to be a thinker, an innovator. I remember once saying--maybe it was last spring when classes were going well and my life was generally good and I had just declared my major--that "I want to be an engineer because they build things; they innovate. Doctors just pull from previous knowledge; they diagnose." But my personality type is INFP/J, so maybe... there's more to it than that. Maybe I've been a little wary of medicine because parents always joke to their kids about being doctors or lawyers, and I didn't want to be majoring in something just because it was a career where I made a lot of money. But I can look past that now.
Yes, I know I'm finding solace in the small things, and maybe they don't really mean anything in the long run. But it's something, you know?
